Straight Outta College
In less than a week, I accepted my first “big girl” internship, bought my first car, (a 2010 Corolla, it’s the cutest thing ever) and got approved for an apartment with my boyfriend in Portland. For being someone who likes to have a plan and everything in order, I am kind of freaking out.
I am about to start a brand new, exciting chapter of my life. A good friend said I should take the time to reflect back on how I am currently feeling, and my time at SOU. Eli Stillman, here is my 2019 time capsule.
Current Feelings
About a month ago, I almost stress bought a corgi. His name was Nacho, he was 6 weeks old, and I was in love with him. It turns out the whole thing was a scam, but for a handful of days I almost went through with it (but would have lost $500+).
As cliche as it is, I have had a constant struggle to truly understand who I am. Though I am improving, I have a hard time not pleasing anyone but myself. I always think if a certain someone likes me, maybe I’ll like myself too. This leads to disappointment and sadness, hence why I almost bought a puppy.
This bad habit of mine really made its presence clear when I was job searching. Instead of looking for opportunities that seemed exciting for me, I was searching for things that would sound impressive to friends and family. I went through a pretty grueling interview process with a company in Colorado that would have been great to tell my loved ones.
After a 2 hour Skype interview with 4 different hiring managers in the company, I felt like I nailed the interview. I started thinking about what I could post on Instagram, how proud my parents would be, and how happy this job would make me. A week later I got an email that I translated to:
Dear Kayle,
Thank you for emotionally investing in this company and dream life of yours. Unfortunately there were several people that are just like you, but smarter, more professional, and just straight-up better than you. You didn’t get the job. Give up.
Best regards,
Your dream company that you will never work for.
Though that is completely over the top and dramatic, I was really upset for a month or so. I felt sorry for myself and thought I wasted a companies time interviewing me. Luckily, my boyfriend encouraged me to get back on the job hunt. I spent at least 2 hours a day on LinkedIn, writing cover letters, and talking to employers on the phone for a several weeks.
One day I swore I would teach English in Vietnam, the next I thought I would be a recruiter for a bio tech company, and I even was contemplating just being an Uber driver for a bit until I figured out what I wanted to do. This process was draining, but also exhilarating. Having the opportunity to start completely over and start a “new” life is an exciting (but terrifying) feeling.
Just as I was starting to lose hope, I received an email for an in-person interview in Portland for an amazing internship. The position is about marketing, (right up my ally) working with kids, (hell yeah) involves soccer, (uh huh) and is in Portland, (a place I really want to move to) so I was stoked. I researched as much as I could, and practiced during my 5 hour drive up to Portland. As I walked into the reception area, I started to realize just how cool this internship would be, and I started to panic. Doubt, insecurities, and negative thoughts filled my mind. Before I knew it, my interviewer came in and walked me to the office. Something happened in the middle of my interview. Maybe it was the 3 cups of coffee I had that day, maybe it was all the good vibes my friends and family were sending me, but I got a surge of confidence. As I was asked, “what makes you a great candidate for this position?” I really sold myself, which was a first for me.
I left feeling happy, excited, and nervous. Fast-forward to last week, and I got the internship! I will be one of 5 marketing interns for the Portland Timbers and Thorns youth camps this summer. I am thrilled and excited to get to work. Though no job will instantly turn you happy (it is a job, for crying out loud,) I believe this internship will help me express my passions, learn more, and meet new, like-minded individuals.
Once I heard about that, I bought my first car, applied for apartments in Portland, and sent graduation announcements. Graduation is on June 15 and my internship starts 2 days after, which means a month from now I will be starting a new chapter in my life. Ahhhhh.
I feel so overwhelmed with emotions. For graduation, my whole family (mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousins, my siblings significant others,) will be in town, which is the first time I have had that many family members in the same place in a bit, and it’s all for me. I will be moving to a big city, in which I only know a handful of people, and will be leaving a lot of my friends in Ashland. I am starting adulthood, which means I need to make enough money to survive. Everything that is happening is very fun, but when I start to think about it I freak the fuck out.
My Time at SOU
4 years ago, I got peer-pressured into dying my hair bleach blonde from a box my roommate bought at Albertsons. Though I may potentially still do that, I have learned so much about myself and others while in Ashland. Here are a few of my takeaways.
- No one really cares (and that’s a great thing).
- It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
- Eat a dang doughnut if a doughnut sounds good.
- Therapy is great. No one will judge you if you go to therapy.
- No one at this age has their shit together.
- Sleep, a full stomach, and a good cry can solve a lot of problems.
- Be nice to everyone.
I was so fortunate to meet so many diverse, kind, and open-minded individuals at SOU. This past year, I have really made strides in making friends outside of my bubble, and I am so thankful that I did. I have met some of my best friends on the cross-country team, the sweetest, most inspiring people through the Siskiyou News, and genuinely caring individuals through various classes, events, and parties. So many professors and coaches went out of their way to help me during my 4 years and I am so appreciative of their support. Friends, thank you for dealing with my hangriness, awful dance moves, and random bursts of singing.
My time in Ashland was far from perfect, but I am so glad I took a step out of my comfort zone. As my time is ending here, I need to remind myself that a step of courage is all it took for me in Ashland. This new chapter will be terrifying, but I just need to take another step.
