An Update (or, why I haven’t been running & eating lots of nachos)

Ever since I posted, “The Harsh Reality of Cute Instagram Pictures” I have been so lucky to have received such positive feedback from so many people. Family members, friends, strangers, and even some of my professors gave me praise, and some shared personal stories of their struggles with their own eating disorder battles. Receiving this feedback was so wonderful and inspiring that I became more motivated to fully recover from this dark time in my life.

Things were going great. I started hanging out with the best people ever who introduced me to new foods, ideas, helped me travel outside of the country for the first time, and loved me for me, regardless of how big my food baby was after dinner. I ate copious amounts of food I absolutely feared not too long ago. A year ago, you wouldn’t catch me dead eating grilled cheese, chicken and waffles, nachos, or full fat ice cream. And I was eating all of those things in one day this summer. It’s really hard to describe the feeling, but imagine eating only raw vegetables for months on end, and then taking a bite of buttery, cheesy bread for the first time. It’s absolute heaven.

This past summer was probably the happiest I have ever been. I was eating whatever I wanted, and I was surrounded by wonderful, kind people.

Unfortunately, the thing that has always had a big impact on my life, running, ended abruptly a little over a month ago.

When I was eating the foods I wanted, I was gaining weight, but I was also running 50+ miles a week, so I didn’t see a huge change in my body. But, when I stopped running, I started to see stretch marks on my legs, a double chin develop, and my muscles in my arms, stomach, and legs fade away. And I hated it.

I felt so fat. I felt so worthless. Though I would go to class, hangout with my friends, and show up to practice with a smile on my face, I was not happy. I was pretty miserable whenever I started to think about myself. I didn’t understand why my boyfriend still liked me. I’m sure this seems so dramatic, but whenever food, running, health, or body image came up in conversation I felt guilty. My body has been strong for so long, and without exercise, I couldn’t see myself as a healthy person anymore. Hearing that my friends ran 12 miles on a day I walked half a mile to campus made me feel pretty shitty.

I would express my insecurities to my close friends and family. They told me that I didn’t look any different, and that even if I did, they would love me just the same. Though deep down I knew they were right, I could not accept any of it. I’m not quite sure why, but I just felt like they were lying to me.

Luckily, I’m taking a few classes that help me express the way I’m feeling. For some reason, using Photoshop, writing essays, and taking pictures of things that are going on in my brain makes me give a second thought to if what I am thinking is reasonable. After submitting and reflecting on a photo I captured last week, I realized I look pretty similar to the way I looked a year ago. And a year ago, I was pretty depressed, lethargic, and moody from restricting so much of what I ate. Now, I am happy in pretty much every aspect of my life. And even if I gained a significant amount of weight and looked completely different, who cares? I would rather be strong and happy than weak and sad.

Back on running, I reflected and realized that my injury, forcing me to stop and take a break, was a blessing in disguise. I was pretty burnt out from the sport, and this break is making me focus on other, (maybe even more important) things in life, like my health and overall wellbeing.

I need to listen to my body, treat it right, and cheer on my friends who are healthy and able to run.

This past weekend, I traveled to Vancouver, Washington to watch some of my best friends compete in the NAIA National cross-country meet. At this time last year, I had the race of my life and was on cloud nine. Seeing my best friends have the race of their life this past weekend made me so happy, and I realized this is their time to shine. I’ll have future races, but for now, I need to focus on my health, happiness, and the fact that my boyfriend became an All-American in cross-country!!

Another blessing in disguise is having and recovering from anorexia. Having an eating disorder has helped me become a more confident and happy individual. I used to value myself based on how much I weighed, but now I focus on more valuable qualities, like my kindness and intelligence. This eating disorder made me realize I want to help others, and maybe even turn this recovery into a career. Hearing others reach out to me, telling me their personal struggles and triumphs made me realize that everyone has some shit going on in their life. No one has it easy, but if I could help just one person overcome this exhausting, time-consuming, and just plain annoying disorder, I would be over the moon.

I don’t know how I can turn this into a career, but I am inspired.

Social media seems to only capture the highlights of a person’s life, but I want social media to be more raw. I know I’m only one girl, but I want society to be more real with people. Maybe there wouldn’t be so many insecure girls and boys out there if we all knew we were all struggling. I want to start a conversation about eating disorders. It’s a pretty taboo topic, but we are the one’s making it so taboo! I guess that’s what I’m doing, posting this article. I want to draw awareness to a pretty shitty thing.

Starting a revolution is a pretty difficult thing, but you have to start somewhere if you want change.

So, let’s do this thing! Let’s stop body shaming. EveryBODY is beautiful. Appreciate those who look different from you. Be kind to people. Be there for your friends and family members. Eat the foods you want. Do the things that make you happy. Surround yourself with positive people.

Let’s start a conversation.

If you made it to the end of this article, thank you. I’m sorry for the rambling, but I hope this article raised some awareness and shone some light on a topic that is usually in the dark.