A Broken Rib & Full Heart
Last time you heard from me, I finished up my cross-country career. After reflecting back months later, I am so fortunate to have such a great last memory of the sport.
Once winter break started, I took full advantage of the time off. I went to Disneyland with my boyfriend and his family, and then showed him Alaska for the first time. I was having a blast, but I lost my voice in Disneyland and then got very sick while back home. I was coughing a bunch and trying to start training for track. One day, as I started to run, I felt like something on my left side was broken. Every step felt like needles to my side, and it definitely wasn’t a side stitch. Fast forward a week or so when I was back in Ashland, and the pain continued.
I went to the hospital and the doctor thought I may have had pneumonia in my lungs. He ordered x-rays, and an hour later he reviewed the x-ray and started laughing. “Well, I’ve never seen that before,” he said.
“What’s going on? Am I okay?”
“You’re fine, but man. I didn’t know it was possible to break a rib from coughing so much!”
I was shocked. He said I would have to take at least a month off of all exercise. No biking, no running, no swimming. Anything that got my heart rate up would have aggravated my rib.
If I’m being honest, I was actually pretty relieved. I had an excuse to be so lazy. Unfortunately, that excitement didn’t last long. Seeing my friends running everyday started to get to me. Not being able to cross-train was frustrating. I could feel my abs turn more soft, and my legs less muscular. My body image was pretty darn awful. My face started to break out more, I became much more moody, and I just felt bad for myself.
Finally, about a month later, my rib didn’t hurt when I slept on my side. I ran from my apartment to my mailbox and I felt great. I was so excited to run.
My coach had me run a mile, take a day off, and then two miles the next day. My first week back I hit 7 miles. Even running one mile after not exercising at all for a month felt like a huge accomplishment. Starting to do workouts two weeks later on the track, to be quite honest, I felt like Beyonce. I was so proud of myself and how quickly I was getting back into shape.
Now, 4 weeks into my training, and I am starting to get back into my “hard training phase,” which is probably my least favorite version of myself. I become a robot, calculating splits and mileage, looking at food solely for the nutritional value, and starting to look at my body as a racing machine.
Instead of eating food because it sounds good, I am apprehensive to eat ice cream because of the extra sugar and calories. I want my “bigger” stomach to slim down for racing. Instead of enjoying time with friends I take several naps and go to bed early if I have a hard workout the next day.
Though this is a part of being a college athlete, I feel like I may have missed my true “college experience.” I want to go out and do stupid stuff that won’t be socially acceptable once I get a big girl job. I feel like running competitively shouldn’t take all the blame for this. I think my eating disorder plays a role, too.
As much as I hate to admit it, I still look at my daily runs as how much (or how little) I “deserve” dinner, dessert, or a drink. I never think workouts will make me faster, I think it will make me skinnier. Though my eating habits are getting back to a normal state, I still struggle mentally with how I see myself.
I had a realization that I will probably never be in as good of shape as I am once I graduate. I will be working full time, maybe starting a family in the future, and focusing on bigger and better things than running. I had a sneak peek of that when I broke my rib, and I was pretty harsh on myself.
This week is National Eating Disorder Week, and I was drawn to talking about this experience. There has been an overwhelming amount of posts from mostly young women- especially runners discussing their experience overcoming eating disorders. Unfortunately, the constant obsession with splits, mileage, and nutrition can easily be turned into calorie counting, body checks, and restriction.
I am trying to let go a little, like not checking my watch for mileage, stopping when I want, and listening to my body to see if I am craving anything to eat. Most importantly, I am trying my hardest to enjoy my last bit of college, because before I know it, it’ll be over.
If you are struggling, please try to be nice to yourself. Get a box of your favorite Girl Scout cookie and enjoy it. Give yourself a break every once in awhile. Let yourself relax.
Thanks so much for reading.
